Why you should never ask for Virgins as part of Ransom
by Mistress Huette Aliza von und zu Ahrens and Mechthildberg

In the days of yore, Damon of the Lake that Flames and Mistral sur le Tarn were Baron and Baroness of the Angles.

One day, they decided to attend the Heatherwine Anniversary Tourney. Unfortunately, while there, the nefarious Heatherwinos decided to kidnap our lovely Baroness and hold her for ransom. With a heavy heart Baron Damon brought the ransom note to the Angles Counsel and asked us what to do. The ransom note stated that we would never see our beloved Baroness again unless we gave them 50 pieces of gold, 50 yards of silk, 12 barrels of beer, 12 jugs of wine, 12 yoke of oxen, 12 linen shirts, 12 virgins and a tract of land.

While all of the men jumped up and shouted that we should declare war on Heatherwyne and wipe their shire from the face of the Known World, the ladies declared, after reading the ransom note, that we could, with ingenuity, meet their ransom, save our Baroness without spilling any blood and not spend much of our baronial purse. Although it took much persuasion to get the men down from their bloodlust, the ladies of Angles managed to prevail. We also sought and won our King's help in arbitrating this dispute at the next Coronation.

On that Coronation day, during his final court, the King called forth the ladies of Angles and the Seneschal of Heatherwein, Phillip of Mead, who was holding the Baroness captive. The ladies of Angels brought forth for the King's inspection 50 pieces of gold (-covered chocolate coins)(which the King did declare met the ransom request), a spool with 50 yards of silk thread (which the King did declare met the ransom request), two six-packs of beer (which the King did declare met the ransom request), 12 small jugs filled with "whines" in them (i.e.: Why have you never made me Queen? You never take me anywhere. etc.)(which the King did declare met the ransom request), a book with 12 jokes of oxen carefully calligraphed therein (i.e.: Why did the ox cross the road? To get to the other side, etc.)(which the King did grudgingly declare met the ranson request), 12 linen shirts that would fit a doll (which the King did declare met the ransom request), 1 dozen eggs (which the King did declare were most virginal and did meet the ransom request), and a tract written by the "Edwin Land" (which the King did declare met the ransom request).

After receiving all these items, the King did order Phillip of Mead to release our Baroness. When she was returned to our loving care, the King then did fine the Heatherwinos 12 barrels of beer for trying to foment disharmony and ill-will within the Kingdom. With a grudging grace, they did give up to the King their beer.

After court was over, I went over to Phillip of Mead and told him that it was obvious that our King did not know how to recognize a virgin and that none of the eggs that he had been given were indeed virgins. Phillip looked at me and asked how could the eggs not be virgins. I told him that that was obvious as each and every egg had been laid.

The Huntsman's Wife
by Heather Rose Jones

The huntsman's wife, she bore a babe, and strange it was to see,
The huntsman turned away and said, "My wife, it seems to me,
"The faerie folk that haunt the wild
"Have left us with a changeling child."

She said, "Recall when first we met beneath the greenwood tree,
"You promised that I'd have your trust, now once you've doubted me.
"I swear by water, wood and stone
"The babe you see here is my own."

The huntsman then in anger cried, "Where is it that you've gone,
"Those nights when you would slip away and not return till dawn?
"What manner of man was it you met
"That such a changeling child could get?"

The huntsman's wife grew pale and said, "That's twice you've doubted me.
"I did but go into the woods, my kinsmen for to see.
"I swear by sun and silver moon
"The babe was sired by none but you."

The huntsman said. "My wife, you lie, I'm sure it cannot be,
"That such a changeling child could come from folk like you and me."
The huntsman's wife, would he or no,
Took up the child and turned to go.

"Three times you've doubted me," she said, "My days with you are done.
"And if the babe's a faerie child, he is his mother's son!
"I swear to you, in all your life,
"You'll never again see child or wife."

The Evandarrian Lady

When you wake up in the morning and your body feels like lead
‘Cause you spent the night carousing ‘stead of going straight to bed
Who’s the one who saves the herald from the boot that you would throw
It’s your sweet and gentle lady who was up an hour ago.

When you’re late in getting armoured and inspections almost due
And you’re struggling with your laces and your snaps and buttons too.
Who’s the one who snaps and buckles you into your chain and plate.
It’s your swift and skillful lady who makes sure you won’t be late.

When the herald calls the matchings and your sweat begins to pour
(You’re not afraid, it’s just that you’ve never fought a Duke before.)
Who’s the one who blows a kiss at you and waves you to the fight.
It’s your brave and loyal lady who believes you’ll beat a knight.

When the battle is a bridge fight and your friends around have died,
And you scream and charge ahead, to find you’ve reached the other side.
Who’s that voice you hear a-cheering as you face foes all around?
It’s your shy and quiet lady who is making all that sound.

And when the battle’s over and the fightings’s done and through
And your helm is sort of dented and your thigh is black and blue
Who’s the one who brings you water and who helps you from the field?
It’s your kind and helpful lady who is carrying your shield.

And when the day is finished and you’re beaten once again
And you know it’s ‘cause the foes you battled were the better men.
Who’s the one who holds you tightly as you weakly drop your sword?
It’s your dear and loving lady who’s still proud that you’re her lord.

So, you men of Evandarr, all you warriors so bold
Raise a cup to those among us who are worth their weight in gold
Be they delicate, or buxom. Be their shading rose or cream,
To the Evandarrian Ladies! To the best part of the Dream!

Black Widows in the Privy
Everyone knows someone we’d be better off without,
But best not mention names, for we know not who’s about.
But why commit a murder, and risk the fires of hell,
When black widows in the privy can do it just as well.

Now, poison’s good, and daggers, and arrows in the back,
And if you’re really desperate, you can try a front attack.
But are they really worth the risk of being caught
When black widows in the privy need not be bribed or bought?

So if there’s one of whom you wish most simply to be rid,
Just wait til dark, then point the way to way the widows hid,
And say to them, "I think you’ll find that this one is the best,"
And black widows in the privy will gladly do the rest.

Border Raid
© 1991 Ciann Ua'Neill mka Glen Hammer

The cry goes up from man to man
Arise! Take up your arms!
Out of the night comes the enemy,
Defend your homes and farms.
Our precious land they would despoil
To stop this outrage now we toil
To drive them back to their own lands again. For...

Chorus:
They have crossed the border
We must restore order
No help shall come from any man but we.

How often have they come to raid
Across the border's line?
As often as we've probably crossed
To take things back again.
Who started it is now forgot,
To get them back is our only thought,
As year to year we raid each other's lands.

Chorus

No help shall come t'us from the King,
No armsmen will appear.
Though Princes may head up the field,
The king will not be here.
To do so would a war betide
To ravage all the countryside:
A thing he would avoid at any cost.

Captain, Oh Captain
Heather Jones, Copyright 1984

Captain, oh Captain, there's trouble I fear,
From over the hillside, an army's appeared.
The castle's surrounded for more than a mile,
And it looks like they're planning to stay for a while.

Keep the gate bolted, our banner on high,
And caution the sentries to keep a sharp eye.
The men of this castle are sturdy and tough.
We're loyal and brave when the going is rough.

Captain, oh Captain, there's trouble I fear,
Our walls still stand firm, but I see no help near.
Our storerooms are empty, down to the bare rock,
And the cook has just roasted your favorite hawk.

Keep the gate bolted, our banner on high,
And spice well my goshawk that ne'er more shall fly.
The men of this castle are sturdy and tough,
We're loyal and brave when the going is rough.

Captain, oh Captain, there's trouble I fear.
The siege still continues, our peril is clear;
For though we have weapons in plenty, it's true
The last of the rats has been made into stew.

Keep the gate bolted, our banner on high.
We will not surrender, though death may be nigh.
The men of this castle are sturdy and tough.
We're loyal and brave when the going is rough.

Captain, oh Captain, there's trouble I fear;
The brewers have told me-- we've run out of beer!

Lower the drawbridge, let them do their worst.
We're loyal and brave, except when we thirst!!

The Dance Mistress' Lament
by Catherine du Fay

Now, some warriors are learned,
And others excel in romance.
I couldn't get one of the good jobs,
So I'm teaching stick-jocks to dance.

Chorus:
Shield foot! Sword foot! And bow to the lady again, again.
Shield foot! Sword foot! And bow to the lady again.

Now, fighters won't part with their weapons;
I really don't know what to do.
One lord, he bowed down to his lady --
Cut the knight back of him right in two!

When giving instructions to stick-jocks,
'Tis well to be clear, I have found.
"You're supposed to take hold of her hand, lord,
Not wrestle the girl to the ground!"

But fighters can still be good dancers,
As long as they all understand,
"You're not really supposed to disarm her,
But rather to take her in hand!"

The Dreadful Ghost

Its of a sailor of whom I write.
Unto the seas he took great delight.
Two maidens fair he did beguile,
And those two maidens he had with child.

Oh, one of them for public shame
Unto some handsome grove she came,
And there at length for to end all strife,
She cut it there, the thread of life.

She hung herself down from a tree,
Where two men a-hunting, did her see.
They got a knife and cut her down;
And on her bosom a note was found.

And this was writ in letters large:
"Don't bury me, I do you charge.
But on the ground there let me lie,
That maids may see me as they pass by."

"Let them take warning by my fate,
And quit this folly before its too late."
And while on land she plagued him so,
To the seas at length he was forced to go.

One morning on the topmast high,
A little boat he chanced to spy.
A little boat with a large crew of men
And a female ghost who stood up then.

Down decks, down decks this young man goes,
To greet the captain in his morning clothes.
He says: "Captain, captain stand my defense,
For I see a spirit coming hence."

So up on deck this captain goes,
And there he spies this dreadful ghost.
She says: "Captain, captain, tell me true;
Does such a man sail among your crew?"

"It was in Mt. Tallians this young man died,
And in Mount Tallians his body lies."
She says: "Captain, captain don't tell me so,
For he's sailing down in your ship below."

"And if you don't bring him up to me,
A mighty storm you soon shall see.
Which will cause both you and your gallant men to weep,
And leave you slumbering in the deep."

Down decks, down decks this captain goes,
And brings this young man up to his foes.
And when she fixed her grim eyes on him,
It made him tremble in every limb.

Oh don't you remember when I was a maid,
You caused my poor trembling heart to bleed.
Now I'm a sprit and I come for thou;
You balked me once, but I've got you now.

Down in her boat she forc-ed him.
Down in her boat he was forced for to go.
And as he did, we all did admire,
For the boat went down in a flame of fire.

And as she sank, she rose again;
And, aye, she sang this mournful strain:
"You sailors all, who runeth behind,
Never prove false to young womankind."

people have read this scroll since 17, June 598.